I have attempted and accomplished many projects, the majority for little people under the age of seven. My latest is a scooter buddy, a small bag that attaches with velcro to a child’s scooter. It has a pocket for a water bottle or favorite stuffed animal and a zipper for even smaller treasures. The scooter buddy tutorial on Pinterest came with step-by-step instructions, including pictures. I decided that even the most inexperienced seamstress like myself, could successfully make a scooter buddy.
I arrived at the fabric store with my list and the bold confidence of an amateur ready to take on the task ahead of me. My detailed list however, did not prepare me for the countless bolts of fabric of various textures and colors, that were labeled incorrectly. Not one of them said medium weight fabric or heavy weight fabric like tutorial shopping list called for. After walking many times through each aisle, I started feeling like I was lost in a forest and was walking in circles. At this point I started to have a reaction in my body. I felt my heart start to race, my confidence was replace with panic, and I started talking to myself. “I’m in a fabric store! People who shop in a fabric store know how to choose fabric! What were you thinking? Turn around and walk out. You do not want any further humiliation than what you are already experiencing, at least no one else knows.” Then I thought about how happy it would make me and my grandson to see his Perry the platypus riding in his scooter buddy down the street. I swallowed, walked to the counter, and courageously asked for suggestions. It was a short exchange between me and the fabric guru and I hid my incompetence up until the point of choosing the interfacing. She laid three choices before me. I broke out in a sweat and thought, what is interfacing?! Well what was I to do? I asked her which one she thought would be best. The choices were made, she expertly calculated and cut the exact measurements from my list and I thanked her and started breathing again and had a renewed excitement and conviction that the hardest step was behind me.
I awoke the next morning, laid out all of my supplies, dusted off my sewing machine and opened my computer to the bookmarked page, Scooter Buddy Tutorial. With the determination of a grandmother longing to see the eyes of her grandson light up, I began my task. My journey in creating the scooter buddy did not look like the step-by-step pictures on my computer. I found myself following directions and yet had several instances where I laid the fabric incorrectly and had to do it over. My seam ripper and I became very close in the next two days. How did I find myself in this predicament when the tutorial was so clear? I don’t know how to “finish” an edge. Where is that zigzag stitch? Do I have to use a different foot to install a zipper? And for heaven sake how did I end up with a inch wider piece of fabric than I should have?! I was becoming overwhelmed and had a sense of dread that my scooter buddy might end up looking like a scooter disaster or worse than that, I might need to go back to the fabric store. I pushed through the setbacks and mistakes to the final step in the project, with a deep breath I turned it inside out to reveal the truth. Much to my amazement it was perfect! I couldn’t be happier.
I have been reflecting on the process of creating my scooter buddy and I realize that the journey of love has been very similar for me. I feel safe and courageous with my specific list of ideas of what love looks like and am confident that all of my loving traits will make me quite a catch. I am kind, gentle, forgiving, empathetic, caring, patient, and of course, a good listener. I am confident I am ready to love! That theory has been tested recently in a new relationship. Like the trip to the fabric store, I feel lost, overwhelmed, scared, panicked and humiliated, as I enter my later years and realize that I am an amateur at love. I like to be right. I don’t like to make mistakes. I am impatient when my lover doesn’t understand me. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, with greater consequences than using a seam ripper. Many tears have been shed by my beloved, because I’m more concerned about my own needs. I want to run away and quit. I find myself frustrated at how little I know about being in a loving relationship. I’m often afraid of a love disaster. I have had many moments where I just want to have a chat with the love guru so that I have all I need to make sure all is perfect, especially me.
I am a student. Love is my teacher. I am committed to experience the pain and pleasure that co-exist in the journey. I am learning about myself and that love is hard. It takes work and time. I do not have a detailed instruction manual. As much as that scares me, it also has freed me to be human. I can make mistakes and cut away the unhealthy parts of me that keep me from receiving and giving love. It’s okay to not have the answers. I am more beautiful when I have questions. Love is a lot like my scooter buddy project, there are do-overs, mistakes, adjustments along the way. It takes humility and courage to love, and the truth that is unfolding is how perfect and incompetent I am. One day I hope to walk into the fabric store accepting that I will never be an expert and applauding myself for my courage.
The Unmaking 